July 28, 2010
July 26, 2010
Summation
It took us a bit more than a year and two rounds of hellish mood swings and weight gain and emotional outbursts on clomid to conceive miss e.
We found out after a long weekend with the in-laws and my bestie (le) and were thrilled beyond compare.
What really helped put things in perspective was that the long road to conceive resulted in a baby - and the appreciation of this miracle was beyond what most can understand...she was for us our miracle baby whose existance had been in our mind for a long long time, making her realization all the more amazing and exciting for us.
I have to say, there are many women who go through tougher trials to try to conceive that jb and I's quest. And there are many women who never do realize this dream. It is such a sad situation - how does one come to terms with not being able to conceive? My own mother could not conceive, and after three very devastating miscarriages, decided to adopt.
So I am aware how lucky I've been - and that I should not feel too terribly sorry for myself. I just know the heart-ache of a process inwhich one cannot know for sure a successful result until success actually happens - it is a very blind, uncontrollable goal...and that can be so heart-wrenching and daunting and draining on relationships all around.
I hope anyone who reads this blog and struggles is surrounded by family and friends who not only understand the emotional upheaval infertility causes, but know how to support and not degrade any decision one makes as a result of her/his own heart-ache and journey.
Until next time,
xoxo,
SB
July 20, 2010
Day 36 and counting....
By now we've ascertained that sb's body is not 'regular'. So what does this statement mean?
Well, let's see:
Cycle One post pills: started two and a half months after throwing the pills away. This time frame, I've learned, is normal.
Cycle Two: longer than it should have been...
Cycle Three: same
Cycle Four: 'normal 28 days'....
And then long again.
At that point my longest cycle was 42 days...This present cycle may beat it! We'll see.
And worse than the roller-coaster of a crazy long cycle and feeling crazy pms/pregnancy symptoms from day seven onward, is the many many tests I took because I was so sure I MUST have been pregnant. One day late means pregnant, doesn't it?
It was a hormonally imbalanced, schizophrenic time in my life.
And while dealing with this physically chaotic battle, I was trying to avoid the constant questions about when I was finally going to conceive; or the people who said if only I gained weight, if only I lost weight, if I tried this position or that food, etc., etc.
Ignorant people.
But they didn't know.
It was a lonely, very heartbreaking time for me as I had to come to terms with my body's limitations for the first time. It is tough to know we have limits; it was even tougher to know that procreation may just be mine.
July 19, 2010
Day 35 and Counting....
Can you guess the topic of this post?
Well if you are a woman who has ever considered procreating, then you might understand...
Three years ago I had a plan: drink my brains out and enjoy life and then clean up my act (or, more to the point, grow up) - and then right away (with the help of jb) get pregnant - and then wait about a year, repeat, wait one more year, repeat.
I mean, all one has to do to get pregnant is have sex at ovulation time, right? It is that easy isn't it?
ha ha ha!
Well, I learned very very quickly in my pursuit to be mommy - that my body was not so enthusiastic to the idea and the usual methods of getting pregnant simply did not apply.
Great.
Have I ever mentioned my need to be in control?
No?
Really?
Well, I am one who is very much in need to be in FULL. Control.
And I have come to learn and be humbled time and again, by my sadly infertile body.
Maybe infertile is too harsh - but it's the correct sentiment all the same.
I decided in July of three years ago to throw away those pills I (being a good Catholic girl) NEVER took...And just be free! And in so doing, I presumed, I would make a baby!
Well. I was mistaken.
It took me until October of that same year to start to realize that something was just not right with my little ol' body. Many blame the ol' pills I've never *wink* taken for being the cause of cycle irregularities, but I would have to disagree in my case. I have, upon reflection, come to appreciate the fact that my cycle has never been all that regular - and so, I think I was born a bit less fertile ....
Anyhow - in October, after the first few months undertaking my new exciting quest for a baby, I started learning and doing everything I could to realize this dream. Being type A in many regards, I was going to do everything right;
Because I just KNEW that was all it would take to get pregnant - simply do everything better than, and more correctly than everyone else!
to be continued...
July 14, 2010
summer
summer time for me has always always been a time to stop, reassess and try to improve on things in my little ol' life. In fact my summer days in L. town (a sad excuse for a hamlet - and the place that taught me how to be creative because Lord KNOWS there was NOTHING to do there) were spent creating and executing lists of improvement plans....Anyhow, I have spent most of my summers scheduled to the brink (of my own doing) - and I LOVED it.
Un example:
The summer between grade eight and grade nine looked like this:
8:30 up.
watch t.v for ONE hour.
10 - 12 - one hour of weights one hour of cardio (which include watching and or following the moves from Flex Appeal, Gilad's Workout, Carribean workout, running up and down my three flights of stairs, and pumping iron in our basement gym)...
And then in the afternoon after a mean lunch, I'd clean for my mom - go to the local pool - hang out with friends - paint - write - create collages - practice my hair and makeup skills - read.
I never wasted a moment - and I was always striving for personal improvement.
I feel like these two months are a precious time to stop and redirect.
Now, as a parent, teacher, wife, etc. etc. I have learned how my priorities change.
As I have mentioned, I thought about getting a GL membership, but have thought better of it for several reasons. Although it would be a great release for me, and fun times for e in the daycare there (she is a social being that little girl) - it is too much of a breeding ground for various germs (with zero containment: that is, the clientele is constantly changing, which means the type of germs bred there is always changing, leaving e susceptible to TOO many varieties of germies) So - um. Not how I want to spend my summer: dealing with an ailing babe.
So instead e and I will be out in the a.m. in the jogging stroller at which point I will either jog or walk briskly (to the timmies) ha ha. And then we will spend the rest of our day either at the pool, napping and reading, playing or visiting friends...
And I will also have plenty of time to think about how I approach life.
For instance, on Friday jb and I went out on a date and as per the usual, after one glass of wine my lips become less controlled (almost LOOSE!) and out come some of my many observations of life, our relationship and what is or is not fair.
Well on this particular night I was discussing how it's difficult being a woman and that men have it made. No matter how much they work, the house and children are our domain on top of all else (including I might add the ever important beauty regime we must maintain)....
WELL - I got an earful from my very strong-willed and opinionated jb and I was slightly aghast and slightly in agreement - and I think his thoughts are very much what all men think:
He says he cannot stand when women have babies and then think that it is not their job to care for them. They are the mothers: caring for babes is in their nature, it is their job.
hM. So then I call him a chauvinist and he gets angry. He says he does a heck of a lot around the house and works hard as well. He does do the gardening and most of the cooking, yes, indeed. And it is obvious he is NOT feeling appreciated enough for his efforts...
But when he wants to lie on the couch, he can, and when it's time for him to go to bed, he can - no finishing touches on household anything has to be done.
But it really makes him angry if I so much as feel sorry for myself for having to be on 24/7. I even pointed out a particularly shitty week when I was busy with reports, Student Parliament stuff, school stuff, baby stuff, and only after babe was in bed did I have the time available to deal with said work stuff...
Plus I still had my man to care for as well - if you know what I mean.
I was beyond spent and I was resentful. And frankly? I had little choice but to deal. And that is what jb's thesis was on Friday night. Well, dear, you are the woman. Suck it up and deal.
And so I wonder - is it the way of the world? Suck it up and deal? Because I sure as hell better before more babes enter the picture and I have any delusions of equal parenting - or at least care taking (to be fair)...
And you know what? I do believe in the suck it up and deal philosophy for the most part.
And I do believe we are somewhat born into our roles (though there are variants)...
But why is the list for women so long? And has it lengthened for men? I mean jb is now the household cook, and that's certainly something...Does it make up for the 40 hour plus work week I now endure? Would I stay at home?
I dunno.
I guess I will have to suck it up and deal.
At least I know where we stand.
God love the wine that makes me open these sorts of flood gates!
July 8, 2010
On Holidaying..
One week in and I have to say e and my bond has strengthened already! I didn't even know it had weakened, but in the last week we've been almost inseparable and now we're like two peas again. It's been so much fun - and watching as she evolves and being a full time part of it has been a real privilege.
I have to say, though, that I used to find work difficult. I would yearn for the days when I'd be off on maternity leave: you know, taking a break and all that.
HA!
Sorry to say this, but working is now what I consider my holiday. Not that I would choose it over being at home with e; but it is less demanding on many levels. I am not even sure why. One of the most positive aspects of work is the fact that there is always gratitude and appreciation there.
At home, if I manage to get e down for a nap, or clean up after her many turbulent and crazy messes (you know the ones, when she empties all the cupboards, and fills all her various plastic containers with froot loops, then proceeds to dump them all over and step on them and leave a crumby, container-laden pile of debris... - before she moves on to pulling out all her cars and her other toys and and...) You get the point.
But keeping the house clean and the child stimulated, happy and healthy is almost a thankless job. Almost. I would say that her happiness does speak volumes.
But no thanks is usually offered for household duties.
I agree with my mother-in-law - cleaning et al is a thankless gig.
And being a girl who's worked since I was twelve, well, I enjoy recognition.
And so I miss that right now ever so slightly.
I am trying to make sure I get some time out on my own as well, so as to not go completely stir-crazy and become resentful of things...
I even got a one week free membership to the gym which has been nice: a little me time. And e can play in the daycare - and she does so happily.
Yesterday I dropped her off in a room that was like a bee hive - many many children and not a lot of help. However, the older girls flocked to e as though she were the only little one there, so I knew she was in good hands.
You'd think she would have been the littlest bit apprehensive, but no. She barely looked behind at me as I let her go - it was like, alright what can I get into... and not so much no mommy don't leave me..!!!
I have been told that I've bred a very secure child! Yippee.
I am very proud of this accomplishment (although I'd say it has quite a lot to due with e's personality and not so much to do with good parenting!).
On that note, I am laughing at me as a parent. I am not one for saying no. In fact, I am a fan of letting e be pretty free.
jb, not so much. Every other word is no no no! Boo hiss! I say nuts to that!
How boring!
Though I know boundaries are a good thing, too. I guess sometime I will stumble upon what I deem worthy of saying no to. So far, though, not much!
I even want to take e to Mceedee's...On a girl date...Which is hilarious since I usually eat there only once a year (the requisite New Year's trip)...
I have resisted, but I am close!
Anyhow, peeps, I will attach a pic of e and me playing dress-up...
Priceless!
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