July 26, 2011

My Life's New Metaphor -

I am no longer able to take a shower on my own (that is of course unless it's after e is down for the night)! E has decided that showers with her mummy are da bomb! Lucky me!...Soon I may not even be permitted to use the facilities on my own...



We're already there!!!

July 22, 2011

Things You Might Not Know About Me....Not that you asked.

1. I hate Lady Gaga. Her first album was awesome and creative and really great to workout to. Her recent release sounds plagiarized, her look is obscene and I just wanna get all up in her face and ask her what her target market is, what she's trying to teach this target market and why she's such a try harder poser. She actually makes me passionately angry. She will never be Madonna.

2. I am a very busy person. If I let myself, I will go go go all day and all night. I feel most vital being busy.

3. I love being physical. Even before being busy, I love being physical. If I could dance, or do cardio all day long, I would be in my element - my bliss, if you will.

4. I used to be cheesy. Er. I still am, actually.

5. I was once told that for a smart person I was really stupid, and to this day I believe this person's observation of me to be the most apt. AND I am not being hard on myself!

6. My uncle used to search for blond in my hair.

7. Although I like to be busy and I love to be physical, I am actually at the core, very lazy. If I had the choice, I would never clean, cook, do laundry or any other household duty. And groceries would be delivered....Forget the manual labour!!!

8. I think every store that sells anything should have a drive-thru. Even clothing stores. (With a good return policy!!!)...Much easier after having children.

9. I left e in the car on her own once for five minutes...Don't tell CAS!

10. Although you might think I am outgoing, I am actually very shy. I even have a bit of social anxiety. So if you notice me talking a lot or drinking a lot...you know why!

11. I have made some of the best friends in the world and lost some of the best friends in the world, because although I fancy myself a people pleaser, I have very strong convictions. What a conundrum!

12. I love my family so much it scares me.

13. As JB likes to say, I have baggage!

14. If I could figure out a way to make money off of writing, I would. I believe my need for speed and my anxiety, and my lack of focus and failure to practice this craft are reasons I fear I will never attain this goal.

15. I used to be obsessed with self help books.

16. I like control and order. Always.

17. 16 was likely obvious after reading 15....

18. After going through labour with e (never mind the details), I feel I can accomplish most anything (other than, of course, writing....for money....)!

19. After surviving one babe with Acid Reflux, continuing to thrive happily through my second babe with reflux, and successfully being a working mom, I feel more invincible and actually more confident in myself than I used to.

20. I feel very blessed in my life today....

21. I cannot tell jokes or sayings to save my life. I always mess them up.

22. Writing fulfills me like dancing does.

23. I used to be a good skater and got my first trophy from Kurt Browning....

24. I love to kiss people (I think after having kids, this has become my endearing way of saying I really like someone...)

25. this is way too long. I guess number 25 would be that I might be a bit egocentric. Either that or I've had one too many glasses of wine...you decide!

July 20, 2011

on teaching.

If ever asked what carebear or smurf I'd be, I'd be either Teacher Bear or Bossy Smurf...Or maybe those two adjectives are synonymous!

Anyhow, the moral is, what I think is my talent, is teaching. I love it! I thrive on it.

And now, I am seeing how my need to teach is impacting my daughter...I wonder, actually, if having a teacher parent is really a positive or negative thing? I always thought it would be great for my kids because anyone I knew who had teacher parents were always the most talented and able in school. However, the downfall for having a teacher parent is that everything turns into a lesson.

And I am definitely guilty of being this kind of a parent.

I took e to the Y today, which we both love. When we pass the Y, e always yells, 'Gym! Gym!' It's she and my little oasis where we go and spend a little time just us two. It's awesome. It's needed for both of us. I always miss the old days when it was just she and me when we were inseparable; (though I wouldn't change the present for anything). I just really have to ensure we have our time. We're like two peas, she and I. Goofy and impatient to no end.


So we get into the pool, and as of recently, e has become a bit fearful of the water (thank God, because she used to be fearless and delve in head first when presented with anything!!!) So now she has grown a bit of fear, which makes her more reserved to do things.

Enter mummy teacher. Daddy teacher is more timid when presented with this issue, letting her sit on the sidelines in her comfort zone.

But not mummy teacher.

Mummy teacher sees this as a perfect moment to learn. There's some sort of life philosophy here about teachable moments, I am sure...Regardless, I was all, oh e, I am not gonna let you sit in your comfort zone here...Nope, if I let you sit back with this, then I will end up letting you sit out of other important things because of fear. Oh no, my dear, I am going to help you learn to look fear in the eye, stare it down, and walk head first at it...

ha. so there!

And so, with much encouragement, and a lot of nail marks in both my back and neck, I got e into the water and enjoying herself. She even walked a little on her own, without grabbing me fearfully. (And to be honest, I found her walking on her own to be very brave, because the water was  up to her chin!)...

So I made a consciously unconscious decision today; I will not be okay with my children avoiding things in life because of fear (well, let's be honest, within reason - it's okay if they don't want to jump out of a plane or bungee jump - and it's okay if, after they've tried whatever it is that they're unsure of, they dislike said thing, then hopefully I will have sense enough to back the f off!)

Until then, consider me proud mama, and definite Bossy Smurf (ette)!

July 19, 2011

A Room of My Own...With Nice Wallpaper!

I am back people. Back from the fog that occurs in the first few months postpartum.

I am almost me again.

I am less the energy sucked mommy whose every spare moment was taken up with someone's needs.

That is, someone's needs other than mine.

I am not bitter.

I was getting there, though, I can tell you that.

I love being a mom and a wife. However, I don't love that I seem to have disappeared a little after having children. While no one else might see the change, I feel it daily. I am not myself.

I have decided, consciously, though, in the past few days, that I am no longer okay with forgetting about me.

I have decided to find a room of my own; one that no one can enter, other than myself, ever. A space that is all mine, free from expectation, need, or anything else that might ask anything of me!

In the past few days I have been agitated. I have even been angry. With the baby crying or needing to be rocked, with my hubby saying he's going for another five hour golf game, or out somewhere fun that I cannot go; I am even through with attending to little miss e who has taken to calling my name over and over if I do not give her my 100 percent! 

Every new desire of someone else's has begun to pulsate piercingly in my ear, and something in me has started to deteriorate...

I am on the brink of losing my cool, people.

And so I have decided to take a stand.

Yup I have.

I considered the wise words of Dr. Phil, I teach people how to treat me. And moreover, I teach my daughter how a woman, mother and wife should behave and be treated.

And I'll be damned if my needs, hobbies and desires will always take the back seat to everyone else's. Forget it. I am no one's martyr!!!

And so, last evening, full of resolve, I put my two children to bed, and I went to my room, changed into my LuLu's, and interrupted my hubby's car washing activity and I told him that I. Was. Going. To. The. Gym.

And when he asked if I could not go later, I said, No. I cannot.

And I hopped in my car and went.

And then today, I did the same thing. This time leaving BOTH CHILDREN (gasp, I know!). And I went for a full half hour of me time. Where no one could reach me, ask of me, or suck away any more of me and my energy.

(I'll be honest, I did feel badly, if not guilty, for a brief moment, before my more realistic self told me to snap the heck out of it!)

Two days. Two 1/2 hour intervals when I was utterly unreachable!

And you know what, people? I am starting to feel more like myself again.

I am being nicer to my hubby.

I am more interested in attending to my children's needs.

I am a bit less resentful.

Because, I, Like Miss Woolf, am not crazy. I am not even selfish...I simply need some space. My space.

I need my own room (and not just for when I am sleeping)...

(ps, my hubby is awesome and very helpful, and my children are gems. i just need to learn to assert and attend to my needs so as to not begin to blame them for my funky moods!)


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