So, I thought I knew myself well, and on the surface, I do. But at the core, I am very ignorant about a very prevalent (apparently) trait of mine. Seemingly, I am a control freak. I think I've tried hard to spend my life pretending I am carefree - a free spirit if you will. But you only have to know me for a brief minute to know that my free spirit act takes a lot of effort and energy....
Because deep to the core of me, I am a control freak. But you already knew that didn't you?
Step one foot into my classroom and it is apparent.
Listen to me talk about my weight and it's obvious.
Hear me try and sort out some relationship with someone and you realize that i. have. to. be. in. control. Not in control of someone. Just in control. Of all situations. I have to know what's going on at all times. And I have to know how to deal appropriately with situations. AT. ALL. TIMES.
And I will ask everyone their thoughts. And I will research every situation similar to mine. Because I am in desperate search for this intangible and unattainable concept of control.
And yet, hypothetically, if not spiritually and/or philosophically, I know that life's greatest gift to us is its ability to surprise us. To humble us. To remind us that we are absolutely at its mercy and whim.
And yet I still try to fight it.
You know: going to a psychic and all that. Isn't such a gesture my way of trying to defy the inevitable - which of course is that the only control I have in this here life is the choices I make?
Okay. So this entry might be a bit of a ramble. Let me get to my point.
What I have learned in my thirty two years, mostly in the last two, is that it is better to ease off and try my damndest to let things just happen authentically, organically.
The need to relinquish my obsession with trying to be the Master of My Universe has proven to be even more necessary when I bore my children. In particular, of course, when they were babies. Because if you didn't know this already - they rule the roosts. They are the bosses. And don't even try to attempt otherwise. They will humble us parents again and again; constantly reminding us that they have us by our kahunas...
We do have to guide and lead in some aspects, but in many ways, we have to stand back and let our little ones find their comfort.
For instance, try putting a child who is not tired, or who is the other extreme: wired, to bed. Try as we might, they will not sleep. There are windows we must watch for. That first yawn or the glazed over eyes. Only then is it productive to try and lay a babe down.
We must follow our little one's lead.
Now, as I've said, I like to lead.
And I am old.
Set in my ways.
So you can imagine how undergoing this new way of being, this new perspective or whatever, is very foreign to me. And very hard to adapt to.
Survival of the fittest my ass.
It's hard to adapt.
But I am trying.
And d and e are constantly reasserting and reminding me that I. am. not. in. control. No matter how hard I try, they are the ring leaders...I am just the guide (ha ha)...
Maybe I will one day fully surrender myself to this concept.
Until then I will make myself miserable on a daily basis as I continue to try to fight what simply is.