Thinking...

Remember when the 'experts' said that having a television in the bedroom would have a negative impact on...well, you know....So then, I ask, what of the laptop in the bed -- in the bed!!!... What of that???

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Moving on ---
Below is a picture of e and I summer '09 -- e is right where I want her to stay always -- where I can protect her.

So I was thinking today about the thing that's been haunting me, haunting me, helping fan the funky fire that is consuming me fully...and making this such a Funky February.

What has been seriously messing with my head is the fact that the day to go back to the career is getting closer and closer: that day when I have to step out our door for nine or more hours and leave little e with someone else. I sat with her tonight, giving her her night-time bottle, and she looked up at me, and I just wanted to stay in that moment forever.  Just me and my baby. Nothing to interrupt. She and me. Always.

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I went to the ortho's today for my ugly, sadly disfigured feet. It was my first time. And I walked in and recognized the Orthodox lady (what are they called?). She gets her hair done at my ex-best friend's salon. She is my ex-best friend's friend. Phew. Wow. That was awkward. Because I know she knows that in that salon I am considered the evil-ist, selfish-ist, and any other negativ-i-est thing you can think of, female alive. And that made me sad.

And then it made me once again think of e. Life is often not easy. And I fear that women often play a hand at making each others' lives not so easy. I don't think it's intentional. We are all born with an extra moral chromosome and one less of that try to be patient with each other chromosome. That is, we don't take shit. And we expect a lot from one another.

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I fear for e as she grows. When she gets to school and she has to choose between the cool girl with the pig-tails, and the nerdy girl in the jumper. It is in these moments that her character will strengthen, and her understanding of what it is to be will imprint. And I just want her to be. Who she is now is so pure. So honest. So spongy and excited and in love with everyone. I want that e to always be here.  Because she really and genuinely loves everyone. Maybe she will stay like this. Maybe the school girls will let her. 

Maybe they won't make her choose. Maybe she will be the coolest girl and she will make sure everyone knows that no one has to choose: that everyone is cool. Or maybe she just won't care what anyone thinks and she will just be. Maybe. Or maybe everyone will be friends with everyone. I have heard of this happening once. Somewhere. In an urban legend or something.

Anyhow, maybe I just had it particularly hard growing up, but I know I have been heartbroken as a result of another dead friendship more times than anyone should. And I probably made some dumb-ass choices that helped aid in the deaths...So I hope I can help guide her with those important decisions as well. Or maybe she will be born all-knowing, just like her daddy. He seems to just know the right thing to do always. Maybe she will be like that too. I hope she will be a girl of integrity...

I hope she will be happy. I hope she draws others in then the way she does now. I hope no one tries to dim her light, steal her thunder, or make her apologize for being everything wonderful. Or, if they do try to, I hope she is strong enough to not let them. And to not apologize for being wonderful -- I hope she shares her beautiful wonderfulness with everyone. Because wouldn't that be special?

And I hope that she does not have to run into old best-friend's friends, congering up all the hurt and bad feelings, all the regrets and heart-aches that have displaced that once so vital friendship. Because heart-break hurts. And important lost friends hurts. And life sometimes hurts. And I want her to never ever hurt.

I want to simply protect her -- always.

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