In preparation...the ongoing theme.

As we chip away at our house, happily/compellingly nesting - I am realizing some new things.

Two years ago when I went through this intense need to overhaul and purge, pre-e's birth, I was ruthless. I was cut throat. If an item came across my path and I couldn't think of an immediate use for it, it was tossed. I am talking old pictures, 17 journals, all my art that I completed over the years.

I tossed it all.

My theory? Out with my childhood, in with my children's childhood's...Time to pass the torch.

Well, two years later and I am singing a bit of a different tune.

I find I am a bit more nostalgic and interested in keeping and remembering pieces of who I was pre-marriage, pre-mommydom - pre-being-a-grown-up.

I am thinking that this change of heart has something to do with the past two years and the realization that one can lose herself in her role as mommy and it is important not to.

It makes me think of all those Oprah shows that I thought were so flaky back in the day - you know the ones: when the women come on, they are in their late forties, and they are complaining about how they lost themselves, their dreams, their ideals, their goals, and they let themselves get fat, and become listless in their own lives.

 I thought. Stupid women. Stupid. We all have choices, here!

But now, I know how easy it is. Days are short; energy is even more sparse. Losing pieces of who we are and what we want is pretty easy when we are divided in so many directions!  I hope I am conscious enough in my own life to do something for me at least once a day.

This blog, and the reason I started it, and the timing of when I started it, are all indicative of me realizing I was losing myself: I needed to ground myself somewhere. Me. Not wife. Not mother. Not teacher. But me. That inner voice that often never gets heard over all the other demanding voices of a day....

And so, as I took a little time to myself last night, wading through memories of my youth, from kindergarten to present, I realized that though the future is exciting and important, the past is equally as important, and I need to hold on to and remember many of the events, people, and embarrassing/proud memories I have of who I once was and why I am now who I am today.

The most surprising thing I realized in my quest to de-clutter and shrink my memories into one box? I was once really into nick-nacks and holding onto inane items (like fruity drink umbrellas with mine and jb's names on them from the first wedding we attended together as a couple- gag!)...

ha ha.

That part of me is changing...But I still realize the importance of one's past...!

Here's to holding on to traditions and memories as we forge ahead and make more!

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Why do we nest???

I feel such a need to organize, declutter, rearrange and just blindly toss any and everything that is not in a proper 'place' or seemingly just does not fit in my home.

Every time something gets tossed, or put in its place, it's like my back has been scratched in a particularly annoyingly itchy spot.

Relief.

But then I step away from this brief moment of calm and see all the other things that still need to be done and the itchiness just takes over - never mind any peace!

Why does this happen pre-baby? Is it truly hormonal? Instinctual?

I dunno.

My hubby seems to have caught the bug too. He's all we're gonna throw away everything - just open the garage door, let the 1800 junk people come and take it all away...

And half of me believes him. But the other half looks at his thousands of needless and basically obsolete cd's that he loves more than he should, and I think, yah, right.until they come and try to take these items and you run madly after them, grab the items back almost aggressively and rationalize that you might need them one day.

And this lack of faith in my husband's ability to rid himself of needless clutter is based on years of observation. We NEED almost everything we have, don't you know...like the old couch that he had in his 'batch' pad in which he chain smoked and had cats who both shed allo over and shredded the pathetic furniture...and LORD KNOWS what else went on on those couches....AND He wanted to keep them for the children's play room in the future.

Let's all just simply say EW and move on...

You get the picture, yes?

EW EW EW.

There's no rationalizing with someone who is sentimental over material things including germ infested, yellowing couches that are hanging on by megre threads...

Um. Yah.

So, along with my base and uncomfortable need to rid myself of this stuff - I also need to get my hubby full on on board - and to do it MY Way.

Ha ha

too much to ask?

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Some Things to do with your Little ones...

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My Heart Swells....

So much these days when spending time with my daughter.

She is hilarious. She is vivacious. She is naughty and mischievous.

She breaks my heart and I swear she knows it.

What brings me the most happiness/contentment, is when I check in on her every night as she sleeps.

My angel.

I hope to never forget her innocence, her openness, her pure beauty.

And that's all - I'm in LOVE!

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Third Trimester Expansions...

Well, here I am. 29 weeks and counting. My stomach is huge. My digestion is strained. My heart-burn is looming. The baby is making his/her presence known nightly at eleven or so, and early in the morning at, like, four. I hope this is not a sign of future sleep patterns...

This pregnancy, in so many ways, is very different from my last. I pay very little attention to it - mostly because my life just doesn't give me the time to indulge. And so, today, let's indulge a little...

I think I will think about how different the experience of pregnancy number two is from number one.

To begin with, I am much less sensitive to such comments as 'My you carry wide', or 'You're starting to waddle', or 'You've really blossomed'. That's my favourite one right there!

I used to really get upset. In fact I told a coworker who commented on my roundness to back off.

Yup. I was sensitive and snappy.

This time, neither...Well, less anyhow; my hubby may disagree with me. I am still very much striving for order, organization, and declutter - much like pregnancy number one; and this need for structure and control over my environment makes me less than easygoing in the eyes of poor jb.

And yet, regardless of my urgent need to clean, I do feel less hormonal all around. My emotions aren't quite so wonky. With the last pregnancy, I remember losing it on several occasions and feeling very justified in so doing. I should have known all along that I was having a girl. Those female hormones can be a bitch! ha ha!

So what I do find myself doing this time is wondering if a different pregnancy means a different baby gender? Well, I won't find out until the big day (which btw, me hopes is at least a week or two before e's second birthday - how am I gonna throw her the ultimate Dora-themed-shindig if babe is just born or being born???)...

I suppose that is one glitch I will not be able to control or predict...

Boo.

Issues for another day.

Okay, back to the comparison game. Last time, you could have bowled me over when I found out I bore a baby girl. I was beyond over the moon -- I was extatic! I didn't think I would be so lucky! I didn't even plan for a girl: ask anyone! e's nursery is everything boy! I was so so thrilled to hear the words it's a girl utter from the good ol' doc's mouth! Not that there's anything wrong with boys, but I was raised with four brothers and no sisters...I felt due for some estrogen/bonding in my life!

I was so sure I was having a boy, in fact, that when I was in labour, I asked the Resident if there was any correlation between hairs growing on one's chin and having a boy? The logic would follow, don't you think? Hairy=testosterone=boy...I was shameless. Truly shameless. I mean, who admits to a hairy chin? Well, now you know.

But no hairy chin this time.

Last time I had big boobs.

This time I have big boobs.

Apparently big boobs means baby girl.

But what of the change in how I feel hormonally? Or LOOK hormonally for that matter?! I no longer HAVE to see the waxer every three weeks...

hm...

I am in a pickle. A conundrum.

And some say I have gained and carry differently this time.  I am not so sure. I see pretty much the same round girly as last time...

In fact, I remember this phase from last time all too well: my thighs are rubbing together and I am starting to waddle...Yup. That's the same as last time...

And so , I ask any of you who've had babes before: are any two pregnancies the same? Can one predict the baby gender after a history of baby producing and bearing? Are there any full-proof signs other than the ultrasound confirmation?

Oh!

One more thing: I was much less nauseous this time around; though my digestion is much worse...

 Why do I even ask or worry since I didn't want to know the gender, you may be asking yourself?

Fair question...

Because, while I have little time to indulge, it is fun to ponder and spend a little time focusing on this little lucky miracle that is happening to jb, e and me.

 Now, let's see if I am so happy indulging in pregancy thoughts when I next visit my doc and she tells me how much weight I've gained over Christmas. At that point, I may decide it's time to change the subject altogether.

Until then, happy eating!

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