January 30, 2011

In preparation...the ongoing theme.

As we chip away at our house, happily/compellingly nesting - I am realizing some new things.

Two years ago when I went through this intense need to overhaul and purge, pre-e's birth, I was ruthless. I was cut throat. If an item came across my path and I couldn't think of an immediate use for it, it was tossed. I am talking old pictures, 17 journals, all my art that I completed over the years.

I tossed it all.

My theory? Out with my childhood, in with my children's childhood's...Time to pass the torch.

Well, two years later and I am singing a bit of a different tune.

I find I am a bit more nostalgic and interested in keeping and remembering pieces of who I was pre-marriage, pre-mommydom - pre-being-a-grown-up.

I am thinking that this change of heart has something to do with the past two years and the realization that one can lose herself in her role as mommy and it is important not to.

It makes me think of all those Oprah shows that I thought were so flaky back in the day - you know the ones: when the women come on, they are in their late forties, and they are complaining about how they lost themselves, their dreams, their ideals, their goals, and they let themselves get fat, and become listless in their own lives.

 I thought. Stupid women. Stupid. We all have choices, here!

But now, I know how easy it is. Days are short; energy is even more sparse. Losing pieces of who we are and what we want is pretty easy when we are divided in so many directions!  I hope I am conscious enough in my own life to do something for me at least once a day.

This blog, and the reason I started it, and the timing of when I started it, are all indicative of me realizing I was losing myself: I needed to ground myself somewhere. Me. Not wife. Not mother. Not teacher. But me. That inner voice that often never gets heard over all the other demanding voices of a day....

And so, as I took a little time to myself last night, wading through memories of my youth, from kindergarten to present, I realized that though the future is exciting and important, the past is equally as important, and I need to hold on to and remember many of the events, people, and embarrassing/proud memories I have of who I once was and why I am now who I am today.

The most surprising thing I realized in my quest to de-clutter and shrink my memories into one box? I was once really into nick-nacks and holding onto inane items (like fruity drink umbrellas with mine and jb's names on them from the first wedding we attended together as a couple- gag!)...

ha ha.

That part of me is changing...But I still realize the importance of one's past...!

Here's to holding on to traditions and memories as we forge ahead and make more!

1 comment:

  1. How lovely, to come full circle like this - but more than full circle (because now your life is richer with E. and the new little one in the making).

    I'm glad that you want to get back in touch with your old self (just to reacquaint). I was sad to read you got rid of your old stuff - there's room for you AND the babies (not that I'm an expert on that...haha).

    Hopefully you'll be able to find a common language between the old new and the new you - the new you is the real you now and the more important one, but the old you can still bring value.

    At any rate: lovely post!



Thanks for your thoughts!


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