So, God has graciously blessed me with being a Klutz of the utmost extremes (I can hear some of you arguing, but I urge you to just discretely watch me for a day - I'm my own 'America's funniest home video' I promise you). Everything I do is awkward: there's no grace to me. My mom's always said that one can dress me up, but one cannot take me out...It's true. This comment does not hurt me in the least as it is very very apt.
Not only has God blessed me with being a klutzo - he's also blessed me with my voluptuous mammary glands. Oh yes, I would say that I. am. boobalicious (ew). In fact, that last statement may even be an understatement.
Add to the equation the fact that I am nursing and we have, my friends, a bit of a hyperbole! My boobs are or could be the punchline of many a joke.
So you ask yourself, where is she going with this rant!??? Well, actually, you've read the title, so you already know...
I have many a friend and colleague who tell me how easy it is to nurse in public. Just discretely pull down the undershirt, and open the nursing bra and pop that baby on. boom. done.
That only works for the modestly developed woman.
For me, there's no discrete anything. The moment I move to try and pull down my undershirt, it's like this watermelon emerges all obnoxious and in your face.
There's simply no discrete.
And 'pop on'. To begin with, one must have small boobies for popping a babe on, because there's the holding up the big boob, the trying to get the babe to latch somewhat properly onto the big boob, and then holding up the boob and the babe without losing either.
It's like chewing bubble gum, while walking, patting one's belly and rubbing one's hair (or vise-versa).
Not so easy.
Especially for myself - elle Klutzo.
So my wonderful friend bought me the hooter hider!
And what a perfect name. Cuz, my friends, I have hooters.
This invention is supposed to be perfect for even the most awkward of ladies...
But the inventors had not yet met me.
Its perks: it has a wire top so I can see babe at all times, ensuring I can get him latched and comfortable. It is apron style, so it's supposed to be comfortable. It's also longer than many nursing capes, good for melonicious folks like myself...
However, it is still awkward for me.
How does one get the babe under the apron without flashing my melon or bra or baby fat (mine, not d's) --
And then the whole burping thing.
To try and get the babe out from under the 'aprony' hooter hider, burped and back under without being arrested for indecent exposure!!???
Oh I could go on.
Some can do all of the above with talented grace.
And so, my friends, I say that I will continue to practice hiding my hooters, but be warned, I may flash my obnoxious melons on more than one occasion...
And for one who is as modest and embarrassed of my 'assets', I hope you understand that I apologize profusely and that I am in over my head in the whole comfort zone department...
But I do believe in try try again.
I'll keep you posted about how I progress or not...
P.S. Just to affirm my awkward nature: I pulled my breast bone trying to nurse yesterday. I ask you, solemnly, WHO DOES THAT??? I never knew there were physical risks involved with nursing.