You Anxiously Waited with Baited Breath...

AND!

So far no one has called me to say they were head in the toilet all night.

The house is still standing...Though almost cut it close there!

I am EXHAUSTED -- but -- PROUD!

So, as I said, the day started out...well... I did almost burn the house down when I turned on the wrong burner and burnt through a pot lid (please do not tell j.b.)! Good start. Real good. I thought that that mistake was going to set the tone. But no. I remained composed. I discarded the lid, and hid all evidence. Aired out the house. Everything was golden. I was gonna lick this meal if it killed me!

At eight a.m. I had the beans started and hadn't fudged up the recipe...yet...I even managed to remember to discard the bacon fat!!! (The previous night we'd had spaghetti squash in a meat sauce and I'd forgotten to discard the fat from the pan-fried ground beef before mixing it with the sauce; can we say greasy!?--So much for a low-fat meal!). 

Um. Yah.

So I already felt pretty darn accomplished having disposed of the bacon fat (oh and in the proper spot too--have I ever told you about the time I poured candle wax down the drain at the fancy restaurant where I supervised? Yah. That didn't go over so well, either...)

Again small feats here. Small feats -- they count for everything with me!

And the house was still standing tall. 

I was on a role, people!

Beans were done by ten a.m., just in time for me to realize my mistake with the pork: that is having a roast pork out rather than the scheduled pea meal bacon. Managed to fix that mistake too!

Whew. Still on a role!!!

The dish I was most nervous about was the scalloped potatoes. I know these are easy to fudge up...I was okay with myself if I did. And I did. They were pretty darn soupy...Whoops...They were at least cooked all the way through. Because the only thing worse than soupy scallops are hard, uncooked, soupy potatoes. Now that's an oxymoron if I do say so myself!

My family started to arrive at five p.m. Oh yes -- when it comes to food, even BAD food, they are very punctual.  Being the super-diva-kitcheniista that I am believing myself to be today, I even managed to have time to talk and relax before serving dinner. Now that's a consummate host, wouldn't you say!? I served up a mean Riesling -- remember me mentioning serving Rieslings with ham? I am a girl of my word, people! INDEED! The wine of choice was a nice Canadian Riesling entitled Girl's Night Out. My hubby, comfortable in his manhood, even partook.

We hung out for a requisite forty-five minutes before I laid everything out buffet style. Oh, and how I had set the tone: relaxed and homey! 

(Yay me!).

I busily bustled in the kitchen while everyone settled down and started to tuck into their meals; my ears were peaked, I was slyly and discreetly listening for my hubby's noises...

And?

And!

And he was in LOVE -- with the beans!!! Yippee!!! Score for me! Woo-hoo!!!

Everyone was pretty darn pleased with the entire meal, in fact! No one complained too much about the soupy potatoes and soupy applesauce. Oh yah. I forgot to tell you about that one: I had tried to copy my hubby's perfect, homemade applesauce. Only mine turned into apple soup. MMM. 0h...It.... was...good?! Well. It was something anyhow. My four year old niece did not complain, so I was happy enough with that.

The meal was good enough In fact, that my sister-in-law, who has a very tuned palate --that is, she is um...particular, even asked me about my home-made salad dressing -- and she asked for the beans recipe! O. M. G. 

!!!!

Yup. AND. My aunt also asked if I could make the beans for our Easter meal! Woo Hoo! That's the first request to bring one of MY creations to a family function! I. HAVE. ARRIVED! Although, maybe I was on to something what with the whole unspoken arrangement that has been in place for some ten odd years in which my family happens to never expect anything of me for family functions...

Regardless.

I did a pretty good job. I had surprised the skeptics...(er. and my husband--although I'd say he belongs in the skeptics crowd, too, to be fair).

And no one was sick.

Just to epilogue this -- I am not as stupid as I appear in my tales. Or, rather. I am as stupid as I appear. I do do all these confounding things. And I wonder at myself as I even read along and consider how silly they all sound. One might ask herself, has she never paid attention when her mother cooked? Did her mother never make asparagus? Or, did she not observe the dishes she was serving to the rich and sophisticated at the high-end Rich Person's restaurant? 

Well, the answer is a resounding no. I cared little for food, before meeting my husband. I didn't realize I was eating asparagus flowers, or that they were presented in stalks, not stubs...(by the by --  I think my hubby's horror at this aberration runs deeper than he will admit with regard to this whole castrating of the asparagus -- you?)

There were simply far more interesting things to attend to!

So. I am innocent when it comes to my many Kitchen Confusions. I ALSO maintain that I am an art-eest. As I may have mentioned? And as such, and I am sure you feel the same, rules just do not exist for or apply to me. If you will, I am above them. Or maybe below them. Whatever...Regardless, and again, there were more important fish to fry...

As a self-professed ignorant with regard to all things food, and as someone who enjoys learning from her blunders (is there any other way to learn?), I shall continue to (on most occasions) dive in head first. AND, only AFTER completing dishes that I've thrown my whole self into, heart and soul, will I ACTUALLY LEARN how I was supposed to make them in the first place! 


That is how I do.

Reminds me of the time in high school when my mom asked me whether I would prefer to learn from her mistakes rather than make them on my own...You know, take the easy road. Kind of like following life's recipe, if you will!

And I was like. Nope! I will take the mistakes and live my life full-on any day. You can keep your recipe, thank you! And How!

And there you have it. 

That is me -- In life.

And - in the kitch.

The child-like art-eest. 

Bon App-e-tit!

*p.s. I do apologize that I do not have a Thirsty Thursday this week. I was busy ensuring my house stayed in one piece, and my family was all impressed with me, that I did not have time to sit and think honestly and focus-edly :-) about a wine. j.b. and I have a date night tomorrow night, so expect next week's review to be on  whatever wine I choose then...!

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